


Dear Dickhead

by Elise_51



Series: This is All Roy's Fault [1]
Category: Batman - All Media Types, Batman: Under the Red Hood (2010), DCU (Comics), Red Hood and the Outlaws (Comics)
Genre: Batfamily (DCU), Canon scrapped for parts, Comic: Red Hood and the Outlaws v2 25 Starting or Ending, Gen, Gen or Pre-Slash, Good Friend Roy Harper, He's really saying "I think you have a nice ass", Hurt Jason Todd, I did that for a friend once, I don't hate Bruce but boy he has his moments, It actually worked out!, Jason Todd Deserves Better, Jason Todd Feels, Jason Todd Has Issues, Jason Todd Has a Heart, Jason Todd Needs A Hug, Jason Todd Swears, Jason Todd is Red Hood, Jason telling Dick "you're not a bad egg", Letters, M/M, POV Jason Todd, Post-Comic: Red Hood and the Outlaws v2 25 Starting or Ending, Pre-Slash, Protective Roy Harper, Roy wasn't supposed to send the letter, When Jason says that Roy said Dick has a nice ass, but he felt he had too, but he hides it sometimes, is just Jason saying "I've been in love with you since I was 15"
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-13
Updated: 2021-01-13
Packaged: 2021-03-17 10:13:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,153
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28723413
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Elise_51/pseuds/Elise_51
Summary: Post RHATO #25, after the brutal confrontation with Bruce, Jason licks his wounds and takes Roy's advice and writes to Dick since Roy won't let him drink himself to a second grave.This first part can be read as preslash (Jaydick) if you are like me, or not if that's not your thing. Jason says Fuck a lot.------------------UPDATED March 11, 2021!Basically the same text with some minor edits. I just changed words here and there to better fit the direction I now see this little series going. I'm posting the second part...right now!
Relationships: Dick Grayson & Jason Todd, Dick Grayson/Jason Todd
Series: This is All Roy's Fault [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2206059
Comments: 28
Kudos: 159





	Dear Dickhead

**Author's Note:**

  * Translation into 中文-普通话 國語 available: [【授權翻譯】Dear Dickhead](https://archiveofourown.org/works/28980618) by [rubylee2017](https://archiveofourown.org/users/rubylee2017/pseuds/rubylee2017)



> Thank you to my sister, Storyshark2005. She's currently working on a Clex fic for the ages.

~~ _Unhappy that I am, I cannot heave  
My heart into my mouth._ ~~

~~ Hey fuckhead! Just kidding ~~

~~ Hey Goldie! ~~

~~ Dear Dickie, ~~

Dear Dickhead,

Today was a bad day. I lost both my partners, my friends. And my  ~~ father ~~ mentor I guess.

I hate him. I hate him so goddamn much.

Near the end there, with Bruce and Joker when I came back to Gotham. You remember "My Big Comeback Tour". I was so  _ so _ goddamn angry, so angry I couldn’t  _ see _ , couldn’t hardly  _ breathe _ half the time. I just wanted him to see what had been taken from me, what had been taken from him too. 

I wanted to know that I had meant something, and not just as a dead soldier. Not just a goddamn cautionary tale to future Robins. That I meant more to him than one of his rules. The Mission. And even though I think I knew he wouldn’t…part of me hoped. I mean, that’s what it was all for.

I never really told you what went down. It's not worth the long story, but there at the end I was just about bleedin’ out on the floor. I monologued like a real baddie and everything. Then the ultimatum... 

But give Bruce two choices, you know, he’ll always find the third one. Hit me with a batarang, right by the jugular. I should have died again, I hardly remember how I made it out. I’m sure he intended to just pull me outta there, patch me up, send me off to Arkham. 

But I knew that couldn’t happen, wasn’t gonna happen--I’d rather die again than go to that hellhole. If I couldn’t get B to finally put a bullet in either that fuckhead’s brain or my own, everybody going down together seemed like the next best thing. The  _ only  _ other way it could end. I’d rigged the place to blow, history repeating itself, all that. It seemed right at the time.

Joker had said something just before we all went up, something like Bruce always finding a way to win, but everybody still losing. That was about the truest thing I’d heard since I came back.

I never called Bruce  _ Dad.  _ Never said the L word. I know that stuff’s not hardly in his vocabulary anyway. You know, my old man, Willis? Drunk, sad, angry. Ignorant. Mean. Dickie, he used to whale on me pretty good…but his folks were the same way. Told me so. He used to say “We got no chance, Jay. Crime Alley Disease runs in the Todd family: poor, drunk, shit luck.” He hated himself. That runs in the family too. 

We had a few nice moments. I never told you, but I actually got to see you at Haly’s once (Willis lifted the tickets off some nice old couple. ‘Never pay when you can take it for free’! Thanks pops…) I’d never say it to your stupid face, but you were pretty good, pretty bird. The most amazing thing I’d ever seen in my little street rat life. You looked free. Happy. Everything I’d ever wanted to be. Little did I know, right? 

But after the show, you still gotta go back home at the end of the day. I couldn’t hardly stand it. Sometimes the nicest things hurt the most because you know they can’t last. We went back home, and they’re at it again, cats and dogs. So much screamin’ in the Todd household. Mamma was just sad. Fucked up all the time. Finally one day Dad fucked off to jail, and a few months later I found her in the bathroom. Every cliché in the book, I got to check every box, lucky me.

I can’t tell you how goddamn thankful I was when Bruce found me. It was like a dream. Not just being Robin. Going to school, decent clean clothes. Room to breathe, grass, trees. Things actually smelled nice. Nobody screamin’ at me. I didn’t have to watch my back so much. No more stealin’. And no more sleepin’ in cold, damp, dirty places. Actual meals instead of fast food all the time. That library…man, when I wasn’t at school or training in the cave, that’s where I was. 

It was so beautiful. Everything was. Alfred and everybody. It was nice. And I got to be useful. I liked coming through for Bruce. Cooking with Alf. 

Sometimes we got along too, Dickie. Showin’ me the ropes. Those were the best days. For the first time in my damn life, I was happy. I even remember Alf telling me to cool it down a little, I was bouncing around the manor too much, knocking shit over. I was so excited  _ all  _ the time just to  _ be.  _ You know?

But after. I was crazy, still am some days. Lazarus hangover, I know that now. And I know that asking someone to kill for you, that’s crazy. It’s a lot. It’s selfish. My whole life (lives?) I can’t seem to get away from myself. I get you’re all tired of my bullshit. It’s pathetic, you know, poor Jason, died and crawled back home kickin’ and screamin’. Obsessed with his own death. Daddy issues out the wazoo. Mommy didn’t love him either, betrayed him to the Joker in a blackmail deal gone wrong blahblahblah. On another rampage. Overreacting, overly defensive, pissed off about who the fuck knows anymore. 

Seriously, I get that, I do. Asking B to ignore the only rules he’s ever had…no guns, no fatalities. He said if he did, it’s that old slippery slope cliché. The slide into madness, darkness. He wishes he could, but he couldn’t, yadayada. Not for me, not for anybody.

But I’ve been in the darkness, the madness. And still I know to my bones that if the tables were turned in that warehouse…if  _ he _ had been beaten half to hell and blown up by that monster, I’d have given  _ everything _ . Every rule, every principal, and every bit of sanity. 

~~ Because I ~~ Because that’s what you do for family. For the people that mean something to you. ~~ I loved him ~~ . The people you love. Maybe I wasn’t the son he wanted. But he was the family I always hoped for. I’d have burned the world for him. And that’s crazy. That’s crazy. It scares him. It should. 

He knows, he’s seen, what people do for love. Victor Fries, Metallo, Talia in her own twisted way. He knows if I had been in his place, B would have been Joker’s very last victim. And that would be real justice. And he knows it, way deep down. He does. And he’s never been able to give that to me. 

That makes him a hero I guess, this ability to put The Mission before his family. But it hurts. If I even was his family, I don’t know anymore. I feel like an idiot when I start going through this stuff again.

The truth is if he ever loved me, he loved me a hell of a lot more when I was dead. Because it was easier. I was easier. Good little soldier, a noble sacrifice to the cause. Too stupid and angry to stay alive maybe, but someone that meant well.

Today B told me that this was all my choice. This whole goddamn mess. My choice. Killing again. He’s right. And I’ll never stop. If killing someone like Cobblepot means that more innocent lives are spared, I’ll goddamn do it every time, Dick. I know that makes you sick to hear me say it, but it’s true. 

This rogue’s gallery Batman hosts every week, the games he plays with them, I’m sick of it. I tried playing by his rules, I really did. Things were getting better between us. We had lunch like a normal family. He asked me how things were going. And can you believe it, he even said to me, these exact words: ‘maybe the world has enough heroes and could do with a few outlaws.’ It was a trip.

It was a lie. He never asked me why, never asked for an explanation, just came out swinging, and swinging hard. I think if Roy hadn’t come flying in, I’d be in a coma in Arkham’s med wing. B’s serious this time, he doesn’t want me anymore. I’ve never seen him hit anyone that hard, not even Joker. 

He said some things. It’s had to admit, but some of that stuff hurts worse than the hits, and he hits fuckin’ hard. He said he never should have believed in me. I guess I really did it this time. It was like watching that clock tick down in the warehouse. I knew it was coming, but you can’t help but hope down to the last second that things won’t go south--that everything’s gonna be okay. 

But that’s not how it usually goes in my experience. Well, unless Roy Harper has your back. I’m lucky for that.

I wish I had never come back.  ~~ I’m not trying to sound suicidal, but ~~ I think I should never have come back. I think maybe things that are dead should just stay that way. Natural order and all that.

Sorry for all this. It’s like that time travel movie you made me watch, “this is heavy.” Everything seems pretty heavy these days. Except you. You’re all lightness, all grace. And fuck you if you ever acknowledge I say nice things about you Goldie, but besides the Outlaws, you are about the only thing in my life keepin’ me from taking the Big Sleep for good. You’d probably just find another way to bring me back, I’d have to wake up in a goddamn coffin again and do the whole thing over. Sounds exhausting, it sure was the first time round. 

Despite everything with Bruce, your constant, annoying appeals to “get to know one another better” have actually been kind of nice. I guess. Okay, they meant a lot. It’s nice to feel like people want you around, like you’re not just Trouble personified. Even Replacement has grown on me. He’s pretty smart, and he usually means well. 

The Demon Spawn can fuck off though. I know you like the little monster but considering his parentage he’s probably even more fucked than me. And I had Willis, Catherine, and Sheila. Poor bastard. Watch out for him, maybe if he has you he’ll stand a chance. Anyway tell your little brothers and Steph and Cass that I say thanks, or whatever a well adjusted person would say. Oh and Barbie too. God, Bruce has a lot of children flitting around, doesn’t he.

I’ll be away from Gotham forever I guess. Beat the shit out of me once, shame on Bruce, beat the shit out of me twice, etc. 

I don’t know, I’m tired. Really, really tired. Even if B and I make nice, this whole thing will just happen again. I’ll fuck up or shoot someone who deserves it, and round and round we go. 

Good thing I got shit to do. Roy and I are gonna track down some stuff. I’ve gotta find Artemis and Biz if I can. Roy’s talking about rehab though, so I don’t know. I don’t want my bullshit in the way of whatever he needs to do.

You know, you’re about the only good thing the old man ever did. You can be annoying, overly cheerful, smothering, your puns are terrible, you choose to live in a city even grosser than Gotham, you’re overly trusting in Bruce, you eat like a child, and you can be a self-righteous prick sometimes, but overall you’re not a bad egg. I don’t know how B didn’t ruin you, but you managed somehow.

Roy says I’m not allowed to drink myself into a coma, so this is a way to burn some stuff off. I feel a little better I guess.

Tell Alfred I love him and I’m sorry for everything. It’s hard on him when we fight.

This letter is too long. Do you even know how to read? I’ve never seen you pick up a book without pictures, so maybe Timbo will read it for you. 

Maybe I can drop by Blüd though. I can cook some actual fuckin’ food, you helpless child. 

Jay

P.S. Roy says to tell you that despite being a “holier-than-thou goody-goody” you still have “the best ass in the business”.  ~~ and that’s saying something since Roy is still with Kori. Did you know that lunkhead has still managed to hang on to Kori? I don’t know what she’s thinking. But she does have a history of dubious taste in men. I mean she slept with me once too. Did I ever tell you that? Shit. Well. Now you know. They seem happy though. How you doing? Sorry I didn’t ask earlier. Jesus, ok I’m done. ~~

**Author's Note:**

> I want to thank all the Jaydick writers out there, you inspire me and have kept me sane in this time of covid. And to everyone and anyone who loves Jason Todd. He needs a big old Dick Grayson hug. 
> 
> RHATO #25 was brutal. The reunion with Bruce in subsequent issues rings hollow and overly neat, and I miss the art of Dexter Soy already. And Roy. Goddamnit. I read 'Heroes in Crisis' immediately after and I am still messed up about it. I don't know what to say. If others have opinions, I'd love to hear. I tried to write this piece with references to canon, without making it necessary to have been a reader of Judd Winick or Scott Lobdell's works. Anyways, let me know what you think! This is the first thing I've written on my own in a very long time.
> 
> I see two more parts to go along here.


End file.
